Love’s Prison Term

 

Looking back through my memories, If I were to choose the best memories they would be having my children, no matter what situation I was living in at those three different points in my life, those would be the best. From carrying to birthing to caring for the little babies and many times through their tiny little milestones in life, they are now 17, 11 and 6 and still giving me much joy, I would almost say that they are the best things that ever happened to me and they mean the world to me. I’ve always said that if I ever lost them I would be lost. Which brings me to the worst memory in my entire life.

Although there are some very bad ones leading up to, there are none which beat the 7 years i lived with a very evil bad man, who still haunts my life just because I had a baby with him and he is still in somewhat control of my life through her, my baby, the youngest child.

Memories have began to fade and take on a whole new meaning over the years since I’ve escaped his clutches, but some memories are singed into my mind and seem to often replay themselves in my mind. I keep thinking what I could have done differently to avoid it all. I knew from the day he entered my home that something was very wrong, even though he seemed to say all the right things and everything seemed so unreal that how I could just stumble upon someone who really loved me as he said he did and said no one else would ever love me as much as he did. He told me that me and my children were his world. Even though there were very evident times where he said he would kill himself if I had ever left him because he had nothing else to live for and his blood would be on my hands. I wished I would have gotten out early in this relationship but I focused everything on him, I gave him everything and at a point in my life when I prayed for the faith to put into someone, disregarding looks and superficial things I put all faith in that he was the one.

I disregarded all the red flags and all my gut instincts. Any time there was a conflict that made me even think twice about him, he tried even harder to make whatever it was go away, he would make it right in my head so that we just moved on from it until the next instance came and he would go out and buy me something or do something nice for me. I’d never had that in my life where someone tried so hard to keep me happy. I remember him even saying once “I’ll be whatever you want me to be”, I love you that much.

Over the years he treated my oldest, my son like crap, he seen him as a threat, he seen him as a competition for affection and love, he did not like to see him snuggled up to me loving on me, he would even scold me and somehow by then, I never intervened in his treatment of my son. One time I was loving on my son and his head was on my chest and he, (lets call him CL), CL threw a giant fit over him laying his head upon my chest as we were snuggling, CL made us both (mother and child) feel disgusted and we NEVER did that ever again and I feel like even today we don’t hug each other. CL took away the innocence of a mother nurturing her child and made it into something disgusting. I can remember he said “get off your mammas titties!” It was a very traumatic moment and I even remember getting into a verbal fight with him over and of course I lost and when brought up to anyone he of course made sure he looked like the good guy in it all. The simple fact was that he felt my children’s needs to be nurtured and loved on were taking away from the attention he felt I should be giving him 24/7.

He would tell me at least 50 times a day, I’m not joking or exaggerating, but he would tell me 50 times a day “I love you”, it got so old I tried to ignore it, but then he would be angered if I didn’t say it in return ALL 50 times and he got depressed if it didn’t sound sincere. It was said so much that it began to lose ALL meaning. He had this ritual with my children as well.

My two oldest children have their own father but almost immediately upon his arrival he made them call him dad, and sir. If they didn’t show respect to him by referring to him as their dad or calling him Sir, he would become angered and punish/discipline them. He took over my life to the fullest. The day he moved in, it felt as if my cell doors had slammed shut!!

He treated me like his princess and even called me as such. He told me all about his depressing sad past. He told me all sorts of stories to this day I’m not even sure what the truth is, however for a man as evil as he is I do not doubt that his childhood was very pretty, maybe a bit exaggerated as he did that often either exaggerating his stories to be really great or really horrible. He would often try to use someone to back his story up by saying you can even ask my daddy, you can even ask my grandma, he even told stories to others right in front of me lying like crazy and he would say you can even ask Rhonda, and I would sit right there nodding my head covering up his lies to keep myself from looking like an ass. Until eventually I would sometimes throw in “don’t look at me”, or “don’t ask me, I have no idea” or flat-out nod my head no, I got tired of looking like an ass when someone would get angry at him after learning his words were total lies. I still somehow looked like an ass just by keeping his company, everyone began to wonder why I would stay with him and not leave him, then he seemed to go more places without me leaving me at home, looking back it was probably so he could make me look bad so he looked better.

He told me he was once into drugs real bad heroin and such, said he was once a bad alcoholic but he didn’t have a desire for that life anymore because he found me. He said his grandparents raised him up in Louisiana because his mom left him and his sister with them. He said his grandfather and his uncle sexually abused him. He said He left home early and sold his body on the streets for drug money and to live on, he said he was once married to an evil bitch and he gave her everything and left him with nothing. He said he owned his own business in car stereos and speakers and that he did jobs for these famous rappers and even had autographs and such from certain ones but his ex girl friend who he had just left before me had taken them all and sold them, he made her into a real bitch too. He said she left him for his best friend who happened to be a lesbian. I had heard from his family members that he was trying to get his gf together to have sex with both him and his friend and she ended up leaving him moving in with her. Which brings me to that issue of kinky sex and strange sexual ideas.

He got to the point of wanting to try strange things with me, he wanted so much to have two women want him and have sex with him that he tried to convince me that is what I wanted!! Hell NO!! He would even bring me to tears because his whole demeanor about the whole thing scared me but he just kept pushing and pushing until I literally shut down, I felt utterly violated, not as much physically at this point but mentally.

Over the years I started to shut down in the sex department and them all together emotionally to him. He kept pressing at the threesome issue and even had me convinced to possibly try a threesome with a man. I thought it might get me a way out at the time, which in a round about way it did, even though we NEVER did any kind of threesome. He was full-time working on getting something together where he was on the computer chatting with guys exchanging pictures and giving my pictures to strange people over the net, pictures that he would take while I was sleeping, very nasty pictures. I HATED my picture being taken by anyone including him and it really hurt learning he was doing this, I felt like he was turning even more evil everyday. I would purposely not shower and stopped taking care of myself or changing my clothes and began to rapidly gain weight, it never turned him off or turned him away like I had hoped it would do. He would literally attack me, taking my clothes off and having sex with me while I was telling him no I didn’t want to, i was dirty or he smelled and was sweaty, I would even cry but it seemed to turn him on and made him stronger. He had even bragged once to his brother in a crowded room at his family’s house with his family all gathered around saying that he gets what he wants when he wants it, he said he just takes it, I didn’t have a choice because it was my duty. That was so belittling and humiliating, he just laughed it off.

Sadly, the way my youngest was conceived was by his raping me, I can even remember the very day it happened. He was forcing himself on me very forcibly telling me he was trying to make me pregnant so I could never leave him the whole time and he would get tired and stop then continue over and over until he had me full. I keep asking myself why all these different instances kept having to happen why I never just walked out and left. I believe maybe it was Stockholm Syndrome. Maybe because all the really bad stuff happened after I and my kids moved to Missouri where all his family was, where I knew no one and where I didn’t know my resources, where as far as I knew they didn’t have ANY resources, I was scared. For some reason I constantly feared losing my children, I think he used that fear against me, I believed that if I left him I would lose my children, but yet felt if I stayed with him I would lose them, which is probably why we kept moving around from county to county town to town.

There is so much details and so much that happened in this relationship or prison term for a better reference that as I write I keep thinking of more that happened prior and later and in between, my mind becomes overwhelmed….so I must stop writing and regroup my thoughts for now. I did find a picture that I think really reflects who he really is….