“Parental Tug of War”- Dropping the rope
After recieving my “Bad News”, I emailed the Lawyer I had for my Divorce, unfortunatly I was unable to obtain him for this case as Missouri has such specific guidlines for Legal Aid, I did not qualify and had to obtain my own in which I could not afford therefore having to represent myself and did horribly at it as you have seen
I emailed him and sent him the documents I recieved to have him explain them better to me and he did. Which is what follows:
I have reviewed the Judgment to Modify and the Court’s docket entry. Keep in mind, modification only pertains to “changes”from the original decree. If it is not addressed in this decree it is not altered and stays the same. Keep in mind that I did not hear all the evidence that was put before the Court nor was I privy to any of the discussions with the GAL and Chris’s attorney. That said, from looking at everything you sent me I believe the following took place:
1. On the strength of the evidence presented and the GAL recommendation the Court modified the custody to sole legal custody for Chris. Now about that. This is bad because if takes you out of most discussions pertaining to your daughter. Chris can now make significant decisions on the part of your daughter without first checking with you. Additionally, later should you attempt to modify again, it becomes significantly harder for you to get your case before the Judge because now that Chris has Sole Legal/Physical you will need to show that there has been a substantial change on his part such that his actions now have caused such an impact on Dani that custody needs to be modified.
2. For the summer you will have 6 consecutive weeks of visitation with your daughter, starting summer of 2013 the day following father’s day, which is always a Monday will be the start of that six weeks.
3. You are allowed the last full weekend of the month to exercise visitation in Missouri. Make sure and send an email no less than 14 days prior to that visit that you do plan to exercise that visit. Your failure to email will likely result in Chris not permitting you the visit.
4. Chris will have Dani every Thanksgiving and every spring break.
5. You must pay all transportation costs.
6. Interestingly Dani can’t be in the presence of B. or L. S. unsupervised? I don’t know who these people are or why Dani cant be around them. Is this something that you agreed to, and if so why? (B.S. is my Boyfriend and L.S is his 11 year old daughter who lives with her mother, along with her 9 year old brother who wasn’t even mentioned. Yes, I agree this was interesting as it just shows how Chris is still trying to “control” me and not only who our daughter is around but by trying to discourage me from even being around him, I think he fears any father-like figure to be around his daughter. Iv’e been with him for over 3 years and Chris just married someone who hes only known for a few months, maybe I should have had provisions specifying who HES with and having our daughter around”)
7. In addition to all the changes above, you were found to have been in contempt. The punishment is that for Christmas 2012 Chris will get the first 5 days that would have otherwise been your time.
8. The Court also found that there was no need for a GAL and that is why they are sticking you with the bill. You did not prove your allegations and apparently the GAL did not substantiate either, this led the court to holding you responsible for these expenses.
I am sorry that this went so badly for you. I would be curious to know about this S. situation.(the bf situation I explained above) And also, the fact that Chris now has sole legal custody, DOES NOT MEAN THAT DANI IS GOING TO BE ADOPTED. This is not a termination of your parental rights. So take a deep breath. It was bad, but not that bad. A step parent adoption is a complicated process. Without your consent it is highly unlikely that will ever happen.
My advice to you at this point is to concede. At some point you must stop fighting. Whether the court got it wrong or not should no longer be your focus. Spend as much time with your daughter as you can. See her every opportunity that you get. Try the best you can to stay current on the support obligation each month. But most importantly just be the best mother that you can to that little girl, and know good and well that a time may come that she will need for you to be there for her in the future but until that time you are somewhat limited as to the overall role you will play in that little girls life.
I really wish you the best of luck. At some point the fighting must stop and the healing needs to begin. Your healing. There is a lot that you need to move past and continue to look forward and remind yourself everyday that there are some things that just are not in your control, but that you will do the best that you can with that which you are in control of.
I have taken all of his advice to heart and am still thinking it over and processing it, a topic this all has to do with is Parental Tug of War, which I will discuss at a later date I am sure. I have already linked some information about it in my site, they call it “Dropping the rope” definitly something I will be researching more on as I encourage you to, please share your comments, opinions or findings, I would be happy to discuss any ideas about the subject.
Emotional Butterfly 
Hi,
Your blog interested me and I was wondering if I could ask you questions regarding your situation? The blog you wrote above is the only blog i read of yours. Was your ex-husband emotionally abusive? Why did your ex-husband get sole legal custody of your daughter? Was your lawyer neglegent?
Hello,
Thank you for your interest in my blog. Yes, my ex-husband was very abusive emotionally, physically, sexually, I think he doesnt know how not to be abusive. It’s certainly no excuse but he grew up in abusive circumstances living with an abusive grandfather who abused and raised abusive children. My ex physically abused my son just because he was jealous of him taking up most of my attention. My ex got sole legal custody, to make a long story short, (its explained more in my stories in my blog) I took the children and fled him from the state of missouri to my home state of north dakota, he followed me trying to get back into our lives. When he got here he stalked me, I unfortunately didnt take his threats seriously that he would hunt me down if I ever left him, that he would take my (our) child away from me if I ever left him. He went to my home while she was there with a sitter and I was at a job interview, took her for what was only supposed to be the weekend and disappeared with her, well because we were still married and there was no custody set up, the cops couldnt do anything when i called them telling them he took her and i didnt know where he was with her. I called his employer who said he picked up his last paycheck and he had left town not intending to return. It was 2 weeks before i learned he was hiding out in missouri with her at his parents, who lied to me when i called them to ask if they had seen him. He had bad checks back in missouri in several counties in which he had arrest warrants out for him. As soon as I tried to go to police to try and get her back, he calls the missouri abuse hotline and makes allegations that i abuse my children and beat them, he then turned himself in for his warrants and is thrown in jail. Missouri then opens a case to investigate the allegations against me and puts her in protective custody of the state and turns her over to HIS family, his sister then gets to take her home with her and I cannot see her unless it is a supervised visit. We then go through a lot of court procedures and hearings, where he then files divorce before I am able to and he gets out of jail and gets her back in his home under his care, mind you i have 2 other children in north dakota who are needing their mom, I had just got them out of missouri back home to ND and they are doing good in school…I decide to stay in ND because it is home, but because of this, he is in missouri and the judge decides that he should have full legal custody because he is the one who has physical custody and is in mo and im in ND….I could not get a lawyer because at this point she is not under any juvenile case and in order to qualify for legal aid that has to be the case…its really unfair and i feel extremely injusticed over the whole situation, i feel like he totally worked the system to his own favor and this is my punishment for leaving him and not loving him, the justice system has just failed to see through his game. And the one who ultimately is punished is the little girl who just wants to love both her parents. If ONLY I had a lawyer, maybe I would still have my baby girl?