I can do this…The crossroads and re-creation of ME

There is NOTHING I can do RIGHT NOW but to build myself back up from the wreckage and heal the painful scars he’s left. It’s NOT over yet, BUT when it IS, I will be armoured WELL and my spirit will NOT be shaken by the likes of HIM ever again….that alone will crumble his kingdom and all he stands for I will have HIM to thank for making me stronger and wiser and Because I have a graceful GOD who …

heals…I WILL conquer, I will recreate myself better than ever because GOD didn’t put me here on this earth to be a punching bag, rug, object of revenge, I’m NO junk …..Gods got plans for me …..I was sobbing and asked him, WHAT NOW GOD!!?? He said “Stick around Rhonda….it gets better from here”….

Yes, I have suffered long enough! Many times I was my own worst enemy, beating myself up, hating and despising myself so much that I thought I deserved it! I thought I deserved whatever I got, I settled for less and sold myself short. Iv’e hidden behind walls I worked very hard to build and maintain throughout my entire life!

It’s a sad fact in this world that there are people who are not happy unless they are making other people feel just as unhappy as they are and they prey upon other people who are vulnerable and already weak willed. They dont prey on people who are strong minded and have strong well defined boundaries already set. They know just what you want to hear and you believe it because you want to believe it and all you have ever wanted was just to hear it from others.

The difference is when you dont believe that you are a worth while loved person, someone tells you that you are worth while and loved and even though you like hearing it and want to believe it, you dont believe it because you dont love yourself, and if you cannot love yourself then there isnt any room for anyone else to love you either. And dont forget that actions speak MUCH louder than words. It is easy while in this condition to believe the words and be blinded by the actions. You could be told 30 times a day that he loves you all while hes beating on you and treating you horribly. You settle for it thinking that you deserve it, that you dont deserve any better, you think thats the best that it gets and fear if they left that you would never find anyone else. You fear being alone so much that its worth putting up with less than you really deserve.

You become so miserable and unhappy with your life and what you have settled for….you are beyond telling yourself your the happiest you’ve ever been and that things are great…you begin trying to cope, forming harmful habits that arent only temporary fixes that seem to make you feel better at the moment but push you down further by decreasing your health and make you feel physically ill. You, smoke, drink, do drugs, eat…..trying to fill that void that black hole that hurts so badly…..you try to fill it up in hopes it will go away when essentially, your making it worse and making the hole deeper until you reach a point (where I am) where you just want it to stop!!

There has got to be hope, there has got to be something better for me in this life, otherwise why would I still be alive and breathing, I am NOT at the END of my road, I am at the cross roads and its up to me, nobody can make my decisions for me. It’s all up to me to pick up the pieces and put myself together, I have a choice to put it back together as it once was or to create something else …something better….learning from my mistakes and remembering what the road was like that brought me to this point in order to avoid going down the wrong path again.

I CAN do this!!